CHICAGO, IL — An open mat session at Northside Submission Fighting was suspended Saturday afternoon following a unanimous informal vote by fourteen training partners to end early, sources confirm. The vote, which occurred without a formal call or show of hands, was described by witnesses as "just something that happened" roughly twelve minutes after Michael Tanaka, 31, began warming up. Tanaka arrived at 11:08 a.m. wearing a gi that multiple attendees struggled to characterize. "It smelled like a gym bag had a gym bag," said one participant, who completed two warm-up laps before moving to an area near the exit. "And then that gym bag trained hard for a year." The gi itself, a white Fuji All-Around purchased in 2019, has reportedly not been white since approximately 2021. Fellow members described its current color as "somewhere between oatmeal and regret." The collar, which several witnesses independently described without prompting, was said to have a visible stiffness and a greenish tint along the interior fold that Tanaka has attributed to "dye from my belt." His belt is white. Head coach Pete Elmore was not present for the incident, having arrived fifteen minutes after the mat had been vacated. Upon reviewing the situation, he declined to comment on record but was observed opening both exterior doors, the emergency exit, and a window that had reportedly not been opened since the space was renovated in 2019. Elmore also lit a candle that he apparently keeps in his office for what he described as "situations." "I've coached for eleven years," Elmore said off the record. "I've smelled some things. This was different. This had layers." The timeline, reconstructed from member accounts and gym security footage, began at 11:03 a.m. when Tanaka entered the building and placed his bag by the cubbies. By 11:06, two members nearest the cubbies had relocated to the far side of the mat. By 11:08, Tanaka had changed into his gi. By 11:11, the first member left, citing "a thing I forgot." By 11:14, the mat population had halved. By 11:20, only Tanaka and one very polite blue belt named Steven remained. Steven was observed breathing exclusively through his mouth for the final four minutes before excusing himself to "check on his car." Fellow members confirmed that Tanaka, a purple belt and three-year member in otherwise good standing, had previously been the subject of informal discussions. A casual working group — consisting of three brown belts and one very direct blue belt — had reportedly prepared a short list of talking points, which no one had delivered. "It's a delicate thing," said brown belt Angela Whitfield, 34. "You don't want to be the guy. Or in my case, the girl who tells a grown man his gi smells like a crime scene." The working group had convened twice, once in the parking lot and once via a group text chain titled "The Situation" that currently contains 147 messages and zero action items. A draft email to Tanaka was reportedly written by one member, reviewed by two others, edited for tone, and ultimately saved in drafts, where it has remained since February. "We were going to say something in March," said one brown belt, who asked not to be named. "And then he washed it — or said he washed it — and it was fine for like a week. Then it came back worse. It always comes back worse." Dr. Rachel Nguyen, a microbiologist at Northwestern University who was contacted for comment solely because she also trains at Northside, said that without conducting laboratory tests she could not make a definitive assessment. She then paused for several seconds and said, "But if I had to guess, that gi has its own biome at this point. There are probably organisms in that collar that have not been classified." She added that machine-washing a gi at temperatures below 140 degrees Fahrenheit is "essentially just rinsing it and making the bacteria angry." Tanaka, reached by phone Sunday, said he was unaware of the issue and that his gi "probably just needs a longer soak." He confirmed he had been using a laundry schedule of "every two, maybe three sessions" and noted that vinegar "kind of smells too." He expressed confusion about why attendance seemed low and asked if anyone wanted to drill standing guard passes this coming weekend. When informed that fourteen people had voted to leave, he asked who organized the vote. When told it was not organized, he said, "That doesn't sound like a vote then." A petition has reportedly begun circulating among members requesting the establishment of a formal gi hygiene policy. The petition currently has thirteen signatures. Tanaka has not been asked to sign. The gym's existing written policy on gi care, located on page four of the member handbook, reads in its entirety: "Please keep your gi clean." The policy has since been updated to three paragraphs, a bulleted list, and a hyperlink to a YouTube video titled "How to Wash Your Gi (Seriously)." Elmore also purchased an industrial-grade air purifier for the training area, which he expensed to the gym but which sources say came out of his personal Amazon account. Open mat will resume next Saturday, pending what Elmore called "a conversation that somebody is going to have to have." He did not specify who. --- *This article is satire. The Porra is a satire publication. Wash your gi. Every time. You know who you are.*