THEPORRA · PURE SATIRE Sun, Apr 26, 2026, 02:51 AM ET
Area Blue Belt Announces He's Leaving His Gym — Submits Formal Two Weeks' Notice Conditional On Coach Promoting Him To Purple First
Derek Matson, 31, delivered a four-paragraph resignation letter to his coach on Sunday, then attached a petition of support signed entirely by a white belt who had been training for seven weeks.
CEDAR GROVE, OH — Derek Matson, 31, a two-stripe blue belt who has trained at Horizon Jiu-Jitsu for three and a half years, submitted a formal four-paragraph resignation letter to head coach Anthony "Tony" Perrino on Sunday evening, requesting, as a condition of his departure, that he be promoted to purple belt before attending his final scheduled class.
The letter, printed on regular copy paper and delivered in a manila envelope that Matson had been carrying around in his gym bag for eleven days, had been edited six times and reviewed by his wife Amanda, a human resources coordinator at a regional dental insurance firm, who had suggested removing the phrase "I feel betrayed by the process" from paragraph three on the grounds that "it sounds like a LinkedIn post."
According to sources at the gym, the letter opened with "Dear Coach Tony, After much reflection, I am writing to inform you of my decision to transition my training to a new academy," and closed with "I would like to express, with no disrespect intended, that I believe a purple belt promotion at this time would be a respectful conclusion to our relationship." The middle two paragraphs, sources confirmed, detailed "my journey at Horizon," the phrase "many lifelong friendships," and a bullet point titled "outstanding stripe recognition."
Coach Perrino, a 44-year-old black belt who has operated Horizon Jiu-Jitsu since 2014, confirmed to reporters that Matson's request was the fourth such "promotion-contingent resignation" he had received this calendar year, and the second in the past six weeks.
"It was Ryan Pethke in February. Eliot Khoury in March. Eliot actually brought a printed Google Doc titled 'Belt Recognition Proposal.' Now Derek," Perrino said, standing next to the gym's schedule whiteboard, which had not been updated since November. "I used to find it confusing. Now I have a folder in my email called 'goodbye purples.'"
Matson's stated reason for leaving Horizon, per paragraph two of the letter, was that his new gym, Coastline Combat Academy in nearby Middlefield, was "approximately 50 minutes further" from his apartment, and he was concerned the new head instructor, a brown belt named Miguel Arce, "might not recognize my stripes."
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"He put that in writing," said Amanda Matson. "He said 'they might not recognize my stripes.' I asked if we could just bring the stripes with us. I don't fully understand what the stripes are. I thought they were tape. They're tape, right?"
They are tape.
Sources at Horizon confirmed that Matson had, in the week prior to submitting the letter, approached three of his regular training partners with a printed petition titled "In Support of Derek's Purple Belt Recognition Prior to Departure." All three declined to sign. Corey Dabrowski, a blue belt who had trained with Matson since 2021, reportedly told him the petition "wasn't really a thing people sign." Marcus Sardinha, a purple belt who outranks Matson, said the same thing and then added, "also, no." The third partner, a white belt named Danny Kessinger who has been training for seven weeks, stated he "did not feel qualified" to weigh in and then later signed it after Matson followed up by text.
"He's a nice guy," Kessinger said. "I didn't want to be rude. I don't know what a blue belt is supposed to do. I thought maybe he knew something I didn't."
When informed that Matson had counted his signature as part of the petition's support base, Kessinger expressed surprise. When informed that Matson had included the petition as Appendix A to the resignation letter, Kessinger went silent for six seconds and then said, "Oh."
The petition, per sources who have seen it, consisted of a single sentence, "I, the undersigned, support the promotion of Derek Matson to purple belt in recognition of his training, character, and commitment to Horizon Jiu-Jitsu," followed by thirty-one numbered lines.
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Kessinger's signature appears on line one.
Coach Perrino confirmed that he would be denying the promotion request. He also confirmed that Matson had, within 90 minutes of receiving the denial, sent a follow-up email titled "Revised Two Weeks' Notice — Clarifications" in which he proposed, as an alternative, being promoted to "one-stripe purple" on his final day, with the understanding that Coastline Combat Academy could "verify the stripe through a phone call" if necessary.
"He asked me to be on call for the phone call," Perrino said. "He cc'd himself."
At press time, Matson had posted a reflection to his personal Instagram account, a 340-word caption over a photograph of himself gripping the mat's edge with what one commenter described as "the focus of a man about to be remembered," announcing the transition and thanking "every person who shaped me on this mat." The photograph had been taken by his wife on Sunday afternoon, between the fourth and fifth drafts of the letter.
Perrino, reached for comment on the Instagram post, confirmed that he had not read it but that a second blue belt, Kenyon Ogletree, had already forwarded it to him with the message "bro."
Matson's final class is scheduled for Tuesday. He has asked Perrino, in a separate email, whether the class could be dedicated to him.