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DECK

For the white belt

Twelve takes that change how you walk into class. Hand-picked for the early years.

11 ITEMS 8 SATIRE3 SHORT
▸ THEPORRA
Apr 27, 2026

Man Who 'Might Quit BJJ Because Life Got Busy' Enters Fourteenth Consecutive Year Of Almost-Quitting — Wife Confirms He Has Said This Two Hundred Times

Local purple belt Mark Delgado, 38, announces his impending departure from jiu-jitsu for the 204th time. Attendance remains at 2.7 classes per week. His wife has kept a spreadsheet since 2014.

▸ THEPORRA
Apr 27, 2026

Area Black Belt Spends 19 Years Training So His Child Can Spend Exactly Zero Seconds On The Mat

Marcus Delacorte, 38, earned his black belt after nineteen years so his son could inherit the art. His son has attended three classes, used the bathroom during one, and plans to pursue show jumping.

▸ THEPORRA
Apr 27, 2026

300-Pound White Belt Officially Classified As 'Environmental Hazard' By Gym's Insurance Provider After Third Incident This Quarter

Liberty Atlantic Insurance has formally reclassified 34-year-old white belt Garrett Dunn from 'standard member' to 'environmental hazard' on Coastal Peak Jiu-Jitsu's liability policy after three documented injury events in ninety days.

▸ SHORT
Apr 26, 2026

BJJEE's 'How To Spot A PED User' Is A 2014 Reprint #Shorts

#BJJ #JiuJitsu #Shorts BJJEE just republished its 2014 PED-spotting guide under a new subhead. Eleven years, same checklist, nothing learned. Sources: - How To Spot a PED User in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu: The Signs No One Talks About — BJJEE (April 17, 2026): https://www.bjjee.com/a

▸ THEPORRA
Apr 26, 2026

Blue Belt Rips Three Stripes Off His Own Belt In A Huff Thursday Night — Coach Silently Reapplies Them Friday Morning And Adds A Fourth

Tanner Ostrom staged a wordless self-demotion after a contested foot sweep. His coach responded by promoting him on Friday morning using a fresh roll of athletic tape because the old tape was, quote, emotionally compromised.

▸ SHORT
Apr 26, 2026

A Grappler Didn't Come Back From Her Swim At Leblon #Shorts

#BJJ #JiuJitsu #Shorts Brazilian BJJ and Muay Thai influencer Tamyris Teixeira Santos, 36, went missing during a swim at Leblon Beach on Saturday. Her friends left without reporting her gone; her body was found four days later at Botafogo. Sources: - Tragic Death of Martial Art

▸ THEPORRA
Apr 26, 2026

Academy Implements Mandatory Pre-Roll Nail Inspection After Twelfth Incident; Inspector Now Has Badge And Authority Issues

Iron Gate Jiu-Jitsu's new Grooming Compliance Coordinator — a 41-year-old former TSA screener — has installed a UV inspection station, drafted a nine-page 'Perimeter Compliance Framework,' and asked to be addressed as 'Officer Pruitt.' Class attendance is down 15%. So are scratch

▸ THEPORRA
Apr 25, 2026

Coach Charges $475 For 'Ecological Constraints' Seminar — Drill On Page 3 Of Workbook Is Just King Of The Hill With Greek Prefixes

Marcus Weller, 38, sold out a $475 weekend workshop whose 47-page workbook turns out to be positional sparring drills academies have run since 1998, with Greek prefixes.

▸ SHORT
Apr 25, 2026

Five BJJ Arguments. All The Same Argument. #Shorts

#BJJ #JiuJitsu #Shorts Five separate debates lit up the grappling community this week — promotions, oxytocin, CLA versus drilling, gym red flags, panic tapping. All five were the same argument. Sources: - How Belal Etiabari went from beginner to CJI 2 in just four years — Jiu J

▸ THEPORRA
Apr 25, 2026

Stranger In Unbranded Gi Taps All Three Black Belts At Boise Open Mat, Leaves Without Signing Liability Waiver

A man who spoke no name, carried no bag, and wore a white belt from the lost-and-found bin tapped every upper belt at Ironwood Jiu-Jitsu's Saturday open mat. Eleven days later, nobody at the academy can describe his face out loud.

▸ THEPORRA
Apr 25, 2026

Seminar Circuit Black Belt Has Taught 47 Academies This Month, Cannot Identify A Single Host Instructor Without His Calendar

Hendrik Vos, 38, third-degree black belt and two-time no-gi world champion, has been on continuous tour since January 2024 — 47 academies this month, $175 a head, and zero ability to remember which gym is which without his phone.

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