Best of theporra
Ten of the funniest fictional gut-punches we have published. All clearly satire. None of them happened.
Apr 27, 2026
Man Who 'Might Quit BJJ Because Life Got Busy' Enters Fourteenth Consecutive Year Of Almost-Quitting — Wife Confirms He Has Said This Two Hundred Times
Local purple belt Mark Delgado, 38, announces his impending departure from jiu-jitsu for the 204th time. Attendance remains at 2.7 classes per week. His wife has kept a spreadsheet since 2014.
Apr 27, 2026
Area Black Belt Spends 19 Years Training So His Child Can Spend Exactly Zero Seconds On The Mat
Marcus Delacorte, 38, earned his black belt after nineteen years so his son could inherit the art. His son has attended three classes, used the bathroom during one, and plans to pursue show jumping.
Apr 27, 2026
300-Pound White Belt Officially Classified As 'Environmental Hazard' By Gym's Insurance Provider After Third Incident This Quarter
Liberty Atlantic Insurance has formally reclassified 34-year-old white belt Garrett Dunn from 'standard member' to 'environmental hazard' on Coastal Peak Jiu-Jitsu's liability policy after three documented injury events in ninety days.
Apr 27, 2026
Reigning Champion Signs Exclusive Deal With Rival Promotion Three Weeks Before Title Defense; Parent Company Issues Statement Praising 'Multi-Hyphenated Career Arcs'
A combat sports champion signs with a rival promotion 21 days before his first title defense. The parent company's 340-word statement uses the phrase 'multi-hyphenated career arcs' four separate times.
Apr 26, 2026
Olympic Medalist Spends Five-Minute Press Conference Mocking Rival's Charisma; Audience Forgets Whose Fight They Came To Watch
An Olympic bronze medalist who isn't on Saturday's card hijacks the dais for five uninterrupted minutes, producing a printed 'Charisma Index Audit' and torching a rival over, among other things, buying a single onion. By minute four, the actual headliners have stopped looking at
Apr 26, 2026
Marina del Rey Academy Centers Sitcom Actor's Masters Purple Silver On Lineage Wall, Moves Four Black Belt World Titles To Bathroom Hallway
Surfside Jiu-Jitsu Academy rearranges 18 years of competition history to center a three-man bracket silver medal won by a 52-year-old former syndicated sitcom lead.
Apr 26, 2026
PED Identification Listicle Teaches Five Telltale Signs; Purple Belt Realizes List Describes Three Black Belts At His Own Academy
A 34-year-old purple belt read a viral 'How To Spot A PED User' article during warmup. By sign five, he had identified three teammates, two coaches, and his father-in-law. He stopped reading because the room was staring.
Apr 26, 2026
Gym Owner's New Belt Accountability System Includes Instagram Engagement Metrics And A Mandatory Thank-You Note After Each Promotion
Apex Warrior Jiu-Jitsu in Nashville unveils a 100-point belt promotion rubric scoring students on attendance, technique, and how fast they comment OSS on the gym Instagram. Blue belt Jennifer Watts scored 94 and still got passed over for insufficient emoji use.
Apr 26, 2026
Gym Owner Adds 'Will You Actually Come' Question To Membership Application After Twentieth Inquiry From Person Who Already Quit Twice
A Hilliard, Ohio gym owner adds a mandatory one-question screener to his membership form. It rejects 47% of applications in eleven days. One denied applicant respects the data.
Apr 26, 2026
Academy's New Belt Promotion Policy Includes Notarized Proof Of Weekly Phone Calls With Mother — Signed By A Witness Who Also Trains Jiu-Jitsu
Nova Vanguarda Jiu-Jitsu Academy now requires weekly 30-minute mother-call logs, a notarized character affidavit, and a purple-belt witness signature for stripe and belt advancement. Two members already demoted.